Some Names Have Been Changed
While this memoir is a work of non-fiction, some names have been changed:
My mother’s name has been changed to “Courtney Love.”
The name of the degenerative bone disease the kid had who beat me with his crutches during recess in 5th grade until I peed myself has been changed to “big muscles.”
The name everyone called me after a handicapped kid literally beat the piss out of me has been changed to “Cool Normal Guy.”
The name of the online role-playing game I played so much in middle school that I stopped showering has been changed to “Volunteering at the Animal Shelter.”
The name of the special class they put me in at school for a week to teach me proper hygiene has been changed to “an accelerated learning program.”
My father’s name has been changed to “Steve Martin.”
The namebrand of sweatpants I wore every day to school in 8th grade has been changed to “Normal Pants Any 13 Year-old Would Wear.”
The name of the girl I would masturbate to every day while crying softly in the bathroom after school has been changed to “The Real Live Girlfriend That I Had.”
The name I eventually gave the two-handed masturbation I developed during these sessions has been changed to “Writing My Novella.”
The name for the rare type of muscle strain I developed in my wrist in high school due to incessantly writing my novella in the bathroom has been changed to “winning a prize for how good my novella was.”
The name of the special brace I had to wear on my hand due to my condition has been changed to “a stylish watch.”
The new name the other kids began calling me when they learned the reason for my arm brace has been changed to “Friend.”
The name of the college I attended has been changed to “Princeton.”
The name of the girl I dated for more than three years at Princeton before she dumped me for my best friend, Stephen, has been changed to “Slutbag McGee.”
Stephen’s name has been changed to “He Who Sleeps With Slutbag McGee.”
The name of the sexual dysfunction Slutbag McGee cited as the reason she left me has been changed to “my penis was so big it was intimidating.”
The name of the substance found on my person by police shortly after Slutbag McGee told me she was leaving me for He Who Sleeps With Slutbag McGee has been changed to “cinnamon sugar.”
The name of the job I lost due to my arrest has been changed to “NASA astronaut.”
The name of the nightclub in which I was arrested for possession of cinnamon sugar has been changed to “Kennedy Space Center.”
The name of the act in which police found me and three heavily oiled male strippers engaged, surrounded by cinnamon sugar in a private room at Kennedy Space Center, has been changed to “testing the fit of my astronaut suit.”
The name of the court-mandated treatment facility in which I am writing this has been changed to “extra training for a secret astronaut mission.”
My name has been changed to “Dr. Neil Armstrong.”
