My Grandmother Answers Your Computer Questions
Q: What is a computer?
A: A computer is an expensive machine that your grandson forces you to buy in order to make you feel inadequate and scared. Computers have the Internet in them.
Q: How complicated are computers?
A: Computers are the most complicated things ever devised by man. If you don’t instantly know how to use a computer the very first time you sit down at one, you should give up because you will never learn.
Q: Shouldn’t I be embarrassed if I can’t learn how to use a computer?
A: Only poor people with nothing better to do learn how to use computers. There is no shame in not knowing how to use a computer. FDR never used a computer.
Q: What are computers used for?
A: Computers are used to make people’s lives more difficult. Computers make every task harder, but big corporations like Microsoft have brainwashed the younger generations into thinking they are good by using MTV and The Facebook. Corporations are greedy.
Q: How do I use a computer?
A: You use a computer by pressing random keys on the keyboard while moving the mouse in large circles. Sometimes this does something, but usually your computer just gets a virus. If something is happening on the screen, press CTRL + ALT + DELETE while calling your grandson and yelling at him.
Q: What is a computer virus?
A: Everything that does anything on your computer is a virus. When your computer starts up, many viruses are turned on. One virus that you may see is called “Windows XP”. Another popular virus is “Microsoft Word.” “Email” is another. These are all bad viruses that will break your computer instantly. You should call up your grandson whenever you see them and tell him very loudly to take the viruses off.
Q: What is the Internet?
A: The Internet is a place in California where all the computer viruses come from. Avoid it at all costs.
Q: How do I download files from the Internet?
A: You should never download files from the Internet, because they are all viruses. Everything on the Internet is a virus. If you download a file from the Internet accidentally, you should call your grandson and ask him if you have virus. He will say “No,” but this is just a test to see if you are persistent enough to call and ask him eight more times.
Q: How do viruses enter my computer?
A: Viruses get onto your computer through the Internet. The Internet gets into your computer through the plugs that are in the back. In order to keep viruses off your computer, make sure everything is unplugged before you turn it on.
Q: Why won’t my computer turn on?
A: Your computer has a virus. Call your grandson and yell at him.
I wrote this piece a couple years ago for the comedy newspaper I started in college. They just reprinted it in their “best-of” issue. So proud!
